Page 14: Saturday, 15th December 2007 - Δ = k

Yeah, CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT, and this diary entry is dedicated to my myriad mood swings in the past few days, and the resulting poems I came up with. Bear with me, for I will not make such omnibus posts henceforth:
 
 
Poem 1
Trudging the road to Moon's dark side,
Tired, hurt, hungry: umpteen times, but I never cried.
It's the thirst for perfection; and I vie,
And I have not lived, and I dare not Die!

And then I came up with a funny way to remember one Income Tax section:
 
 
If wishes were horses, I'd own a stud farm,
And still get away, mischieving Section 74A!!!

And I feel it was supposed to be funny, init? hmmmm....
 
Ok, coming to the point, yes, I AM ANGRY at someone... I mean how can someone b so arrogant yaa, so very arrogant? busy?  
To be precise, (not a poem, lyrics from one of my favourite songs these days):

I've become to numb,
I can't feel you there... 
Become so tired, 
So much more aware,
I'm becoming this, 
all I want to do,
is b more like me, 
and b less like u.
 
And so I came up with:
 
It's in the best of times,
When it can't be better,
You're actually in line
When the days can't be more bitter.
They thought that I was bold,
but teary, wet in winter, I caught this cold. 
They took me as calm,
Now wait, for here rings the alarm. 
So warm, I was taught to be
Until things nearly killed that me.
 
Just one wish, a dream I had.
That, and I was so glad.
Trudging the thorny irritating path –
Alone, all alone, like an icy cold bath.
Just one faith, living pure among sins,
A life of simple joys, small things.
And now that’s become utterly disgusting. 
And pinches like on needles I'm resting.
 
Clasped hand in hand, us and peace everywhere.
A feeling of bondedness, a life we share. 
Do you have this urge too, like I have,
to hold someone and cry, but only a pillow is all you have.?
Doesn't one deserve his share of li'l joys?. 
Why are emotions supposed to be toys? 
Broken, burnt, smashed and killed- 
is it something common, or is it, is it just me?
And here’s the irony, yes, I've a fickle minded head.
I don't wanna be alive, but can't afford to be dead.
 

Page 13: Monday, 29th October 2007

I met Chocolate on Wednesday, the 5th September, which also happened to be Teacher's day! ;) 

It was a very sporadic meeting, I was in my classes at one end of Connaught Place, she was returning from her office. She just texted me randomly that she had taken the Metro. 

I was I. 

I took the hint. Bunked the rest of the lecture, ran all the way from this side of Connaught Place to the Rajiv Chowk Metro station. I got security etc. done, got in the queue, changed the metro line, to be ready for her and bump into her *by chance*. I did actually bump into her. 

She got really happy, her face lightened up, and perhaps so did mine. Her face glowed as if the entire weariness of the day left her in a moment, like she had a drop of the divine nectar from the fountain of youth, like a thousand suns glowed together! All this while the 8:00 P.M rush at Rajiv Chowk was surrounding us. We got down at the same station, and if her dad was not there, I was sure I would have asked to drop her on my two-wheeler. Figuratively, I did drop her home, as I was following their car till her home, as the route was nearly the same. It was overall a very romantic encounter, but for my slip of tongue and her over-thinking. I said something about not getting attached to old things, and she assumed I was talking about old connections / the sweet, cherished ones included, especially after whatever transpired amongst us after that poem.  

My routine included a lot of coaching classes, with the day beginning as early as 4:30 AM to reach classes at 6:00 AM. I could not find time for myself, forget about my hobbies and passions.

It was one of those days when I was in the midst of one of those classes at around 9:00 AM, when there was a Call-Message-Call-Call from her. (Those days we were on EDGE / 2G network only, which was pretty spotty at most parts of Delhi). This was sooo not her. Man!! What's the urgency? What's so urgent? I walked out from the class to hear her almost about to cry. 

"Where the hell ru .. y r u so not in touch man.. jo banda roz msg kare n suddenly not in touch......." blah blah...

Today, am happy- I lived well enough that she is missing my presence... I mean there is someone actually to cry if I m dead rite away.. but as I said:

I have not lived and I dare not die.

Whatever, her sis gettin married... n she too :( :( :( how, how I wish I cud let her kno to wait fr me... I kno I m short of time but jus one yr is all I want [ok, by Jan, 2009 in all likelihood] anyhow, somehow.. just gimme sm time yaa, and let me kno tht I have been granted such time ...

Page 12: Monday, 13th August, 2007

A Cut to the Present

 

Its 11:32 AM, of the aforementioned date. Am so busy now with life, with office and tuitions and everything.

 

 

Yeah finally... got lots and lots of time to reflect. Things happened with me, I got carried away with the attention / affection (by whatever name called) I got from someone. In my stupid bloody crappy idea of selfless living I gave more priority to someone else's heart n NOT mine.. that was a mistake. I mean thik hai but not done ya, saala meri bhi to life hai!

Koi nahi, no regrets. I learnt there r all types of ppl..... I learnt there r all types of families, with deep pockets and shallow minds. However, I learnt I CAN DO what I want. I realized tht Chocs was, is and will always b there as a very gud frnd.. She is the one to called an angel coz of her deeds, n not those who keep "angels" as their display names...

And I learnt something else too ........ ur family is alwys there to help u out, and to giv u the greatest possible benefit..... n haan i learnt there IS SOMETHING CALLED MIRACLE TOO... THERE ACTUALLY EXISTS A PERSON CALLED GOD AND THAT THE INDIAN METHOD OF RASHIS AND EVERYTHIN IS TOOO GUD ! PERFECT!!!!!! I must study this in detail!

 

 

Met her last week, [actually met her on 4th April as well as on 6th August too] and I noticed lots of changes ... I may b day dreaming but i gues........... :) After these visits, why did our common friend call me on messenger specifically just to tell me to wear lenses instead of glasses? HOW does she kno???? :O

 

Caught ya! Again!!

 

While on a chat with our common friend:

 

Me: bas I don want her to get married wth someone who doesnt deserve her, kisi se bhi ho bt banda thik se rakhe... n treat her lik a queen, thts all I want ya

Friend: 😊

M: hamara kya hai..... apne liye earn karenge n wil spend on myself

F: u dun wanna get married wit someone else den?

M: pata ni, I donno actually, kehte hain hum pyaar ek hi baar karte hain, shayad yahi tha mera pehla nasha! Jo ye na ho, to phir koi, na josh hai na umang hai!

F: dun say al dis

M: I shudn't but u kno its the damn truth

F: arre ya life jus moves on

M: hmmm......

F: things wil work

M: hopefully, bt i wud b in touch with her til m sure tht the guy is gud enuf, uske baad i wud just get away from her life... kyun bechari ko trouble karu!

Am I really this senti? or is this Chocolate's "I mite get married pretty soon" wali DHAMKI(?) ???? jealousy? being a goody gud boy? wht was that?

 

I dunno!

 

And m NOT crying!!!

 

 

Page 11: 1st December 2006

Whats Love?

I am not a great writer but i'l try..u r nt forced to read this, just ur wish....
whts love?
according to http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/love

love means:

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.


But accordin to me, love is just a strong word, a damn too strong word...L+O+V+E....so simple letters, but they make up such a strong word...n only those who kno wht this is wil ever understand the language of love...

A simple, yet extremely difficult language...
wht does love mean? ask me..or dont..stil m here to tell...

Love, a sweet feeling, a strong emotion...a feeling of binding, a sense of security...of being wanted...but of sacrifices, and pains, and misery....
u love sm1 whn u r in class 11th...thn follow her everywhere...take tuitions wid her....stick to her...email her n call her n sms her even tho u kno u cant hav thm...n yet helping thm..a daily gudnite n a gud mornin sms to show u r there....n u care...n u flirt wid thm in a healthy way..suddenly u start missing thm...n they tel u they r in love wid smone too...n tht someone is not you...NOT YOU....n they need ur help in getting their love....and u help them...n lets say they get whom they love...n u r happy coz they r happy...n u smile superficially...while u have died a thousand deaths...stil pray that THEY are together, that they are happy...even though its widout you....and u are proposed thn, not once...not twice, many times, many occassions...many takers.....but u are not interested......u still hopelessly think that u mite get wht u want smday...even though these people wud love u a lot, n u kno that...even though u kno that someday mite never come.......
thats love.......the sacrifice called love.....
LOVE ALL.......God Bless

Page 10: 1st November 2006

The Big Fight
I was out on a project, like literally stuck. Chocolate ji is upset with me since many days, IDK why. To the best of my knowledge and belief, I was not the reason for this annoyance. And then she emails me (instead of the usual texts), “ajeeb si nature ho gayi hai yar kya karun....”
I was homesick. I didn’t like the endless
rains at that project plant. I did not like the scrumptious food reserved for
me. I did not like the bakar of those Heads of Departments of that otherwise
amazing PSU. I was shit bored of the loneliness at nights, when I was alone,
with my phone, and my memories. I feel homesick. In those moments of solitude,
despite having a very active social (media) profile, I got that sanyasi
feeling again, to go to the mountains and practice abstinence. I felt we came
alone, we will live alone, we will die alone, what’s the big deal? Unfortunately, on one such days, she called me. It was raining heavily outside, yet the air was heavily filled with pollution. Not only air, even my heart was full of pollution. She asked me her usual Kaisa hai, kahan hai, phone kyu nahi karta? And I abruptly, absent-mindedly, spoke the unspeakable! I casually said “in dino sab kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai, pata nahi haalat aise hain ya meri nature, sab ajeeb sa ho gayi hai.” Bas! This was the graphite to a nuclear reactor which was on the brink of an explosion. Aisa kya bol diya yaar tere words hi to copy kiye hain, n not fr the intention to pull ur leg but u r takin it tht way. Why wud I ever wanna pull ur leg...UR LEG---f*** ! Sachi mein..n nt me :-) ok sorry yaar tu pls confuse mat kar mujhe! Bas yaar ab main bilkul thak gaya hun...ab nahi
And then the big change.... Made up wid her now n told her ki i luv some1 bt
sm1 loves me n kab tak its ok to let her cry n b frustrated... It was like a mess,
and yesterday while casually chatting Arora’s friend texted me that she is
crying,  bullshit man how can I ever make
anyone cry. But what else is to be expected out of this situation, I am damn damn
confused.
Now since Chocs is on job, I donno why
am writin bt thn i lv to write. Arora told me all tht stuf abt lv n all, like how you feel when you find real love, what it feels lik n stuff...
told me all tht stuf abt lv n all, like how you feel when you find real love,
what it feels lik n stuff... So here goes my confession:

Its tru i wanna love n b loved
its true tht now i hv many to give me the
latter feeling
its tru tht gals r ready to have a fite fr me
Bt its also tru tht i hate thm all
its also tru tht i dont even wanna luk at
anyone
its also tru tht i love just one
even after so many years
evn after so much
just one n only one........
thts....my princess
dunno who :))))) maybe its uuuuuuuu :D