Page 15: Monday, 28th January 2008

The year began with a conversation wherein I found she had been sulking for a while. I had to, as usual, take efforts to find the cause of misery and then clear the clouds. At times I feel that the person who asks and explains is always in a lower position than the other party. He is the one taking the initiative. Focus. He. “He” is the one taking the initiative. Perhaps that’s because men have more clarity on such things, or perhaps men have to provide the comfort of making things work. This happens particularly in mammals, since the female of the species has to bear the brunt of carrying an offspring, she gets to choose. At times I wish I was a seahorse, where males carry the offspring and the females are always hittin' on them!

A detailed phone call later, I understood the reason for her piss off was a pissed-off-warm – love-hate conversation on SMS with Chocolate on New Year’s eve:

She: am goin to a party

Me: May I accompany?

She: You could, if u were my hubby, since its a family affair

Me: I'l think abt it later

She: how lucky I am

Me: Do u want me to calculate?

She: ofcourse, if u wanna show ur nerdiness again. lol

Me: But what makes u feel the most eligible-committed-bachelor would be ready to be ur hubby at this point in life, when some of the life’s exam are yet unattempted?

She: that’s goin by the no. of eligible guys after me

Me: *snaps* If that be the case may I pls let u kno that am not used to being in queues. so i tender my resignation with immediate effect.

She: :( Chal i gtg now for a shower. cya

ME: Should I accompany you there, if that's not a family affair? *Winks*

She: thanks, but me and my loneliness would do.

 

Once we made up, *she* was at my place on 26th Jan, 2008, for inviting me to her sis's marriage. Now that was really nice of her, to come to my place- it's more of being able to meet her than her invitation. And that too, at my home. Anyways, if am not wrong, on a very conservative estimate, I guess we stared into eyes at least 4 times. And that happened in front of her childhood friend and my childhood family. Oops. Family. And her 'look' was kinda warm. Funny. Looks like things are improving. [not to forget my confusion at this stage- what to wear in the wedding, what to gift and all].

At that night only, I dreamt that *she* was lying on the bed with me (no naughty feelings) and I was staring into her eyes. I wanted to tell her "Oh I love ya so much" but managed to just blurt "Oye yaar, I wanna get drunk with u".

Analysis: Am very far from getting drunk, so maybe the idea here in my subconscious is to get away from taboos, and maybe am just too scared and in the belief that once some spirits go inside, they would charge me and push the spirits out, without any trouble and additional efforts on my part. The thing is I really wanted to convey the idea but am being very inexpressive. I do not know how things would stand in future, but an introvert would always have this problem, of being inexpressive.

At this point in time, I was highly engrossed in classes, preparing for the upcoming stage of the professional exams. Some of the subjects were particularly interesting, and I was keen to understand the nitty gritty therein, in as much depth as possible. I got so occupied in classes in the typical Maddy mode (asking intelligent questions, shoving off slapstick humor irrespective etc.), I could not fathom the changes in environment around me. People had started complimenting me for some “hardcore professional” looks, which I couldn’t understand about then. In one of the classes, one of the batch hotties had come to sit next to me right in the early morning – but me being me, I told her frankly that the seat was reserved. In another subject, the classes of which are being held at an auditorium, that gal-who-stared-from-far (whom we have nicknamed Miss Lemon courtesy her beautiful lemon top) – am soooo done with her continuous staring I might go off to her front row some day and ask her to either talk or stop staring altogether.

Life is going to come in a full circle I am sure, and deep studies and deep meditations really help me. I continue to be in a limbo, which keeps swinging from positive to negative frequently. I don't like to be in this limbo, but I guess I have no option. I can only do my karma and leave the fruits of my actions to Him!