Page 6: 1 December 2005

Alone wid my buks, and my cell n PC...Chocolate is a gr8 support... I like her a lot I mean of course she was my first crush... but there is a downside too, like the way she was angry when I told her abt that crush thing, thank God I didn't mention that it was only me who had a crush..still its ok.....and the kanjus behaviour, never calling or messaging herself.. I just wish these free sms always r here, otherwise she is too miserly to ever sms me, or maybe its me only...but with the passage of time, I have learnt some intricacies of the world, I have learnt not to msg her more than twice b4 her reply comes..tht screams desparation...

I lik a few things abt her---- the way she cares for me, only a bit though, (but still, I can feel the caring vibes)...the way she told me to check on a particular friend's mail box, and then to un-read his mails etc, that means she trusts me...the way both of us made fun of someone's pic...the way she said "badi lambi umr hai teri, I was just typing the msg"...or "dont worry boss tu to intelligent bacha hai" and "yaar jab tujhe mere secrets nahi pata to Chaman ko kaise pata honge" and other such messages tht r saved in the hidden folder in my cellphone, which severally mean nothing...n the way she also liked Olly's personality, instead of being jealous like others...I love u Chocolate, n maybe I will tell u soon.. Maybe I don't deserve u rite now, bt I WILL live up to the expectations, just gimme some time to prove myself....


Ya finally got the time to write this...lemme b straight. We were u kno sort of just frnds, and shared the same classes. She was way ahead of my league, with all that style and everything. I kept tryin to impress her, studying really well in the subject tht I once hated..(secured 99 in boards, another blessing in disguise!)...then during the holidays sort of developed a crush on her, but pata chala she hates crush-vrush...anyways moved on...she was in my mind during a good part of first year but then I moved on...fell fr sm1 in college and then fell out, literally a lot of falls...wrote poems, but now being honest, I fell again to forget Chocolate, perhaps...but pata chala this new crush was engaged :((

Then sm other gal proposed me, I told Chocolate about her n she told me to b cautious( donno y she said tht).

Why don't u simply understand yaar...its just u. Seems u won't ever know it..I can't ever say directly, n even if I would, u won't ever go around... u r the reason for my excitement n tension, sadness n joys.... my exasperation and my celebration...my all.........but pls just tell me once n fr all, so i go into oblivion- just gimme a hint, tell me just once clearly so i simply won't hav any expectations frm u, or frm my life in general, or frm Delhi, or frm India, or frm the world...so i wud let the life move on...to let the music play, but just hate being in a limbo, it sucks, and it sucks real back..... You are here fr me - fine, else, YOU don't deserve me (or maybe the other way round, but who cares)..And waise bhi am so scared by u yaar , sply after tht nite u messaged me jhaad laga ke.. Waise ek baat i wanna kno...y is it tht ALL ur mails r forwarded only to me, or at the most to sm other 2-3 gals but not to any other guys??? Gotchaaaa!!!!!