Page 5: 21 October 2005

Alone with my books and memories. Handling two of the toughest courses are a drain. Though they keep me busy. And that is another blessing in disguise. 

Another blessing was the motivating lady from mathematics classes of 2003-04, who has managed to stay in touch. For the sake of confidentiality of the noble soul, I will neither bring up her name, nor the "sweet" name I called her by. Let us adress her as "Chocolate" henceforth. 

I had asked Ankur, a dear friend from college, to find out if the girl, for whom I fell head over heels, was still single. He was skeptical, as he knew I was not going to do anything, yet he promised to help. I clearly remember the date. The time was around noon, at our famous college canteen (yes, I hanged around the canteen a lot, and it was not for exchanging notes). 

Ankur had killed me right there, when he told me about a guy, let's call him Dharam, dating Maggie. I was so upset. Someone from my class saw me at the stairs and asked if I was alright, said she found the usual spark missing from my eyes. It registered me many hours later that I had ignored it completely. I was mentally absent for the next few hours. I couldn't sleep (in the lectures), couldn't eat (the canteen food) and I literally jumped (ok, dramatics aside, I fell) from a DTC bus. I was now hurt, literally and figuratively. Me being me, I drowned in my miseries and used by Nokia to type another poem:

WAS IN LOVE FOR SURE

She used to come late and open the door,

And i wud gaze, with all fours(----------------------------i wear spects)

I fell in love with such ecstasy,

That i had forgotten everything in my stupidity.

I forgot my dreams, my ambitions and emotions,

And I was a lover of high devotion.

It was one moment that changed it all,

Changed my life, I had a great fall.

I realized it sometime, somewhere,

I was not on her list, absolutely nowhere.

I Withered in Pain, hell lots of pain,

A man in tears, Oh! what a shame.

The loss was too much for me,

I tried a lot to break free.

Life was playing a dirty game,

And I cried along, always the same.

Tried to forget everything, changed environ, relaxed, changed me;

But everything just frustrated me.

had aroma, meditation and yes poison,

But nothing worked, things failed in dozen.

My routine is now crying, depressing.

Sucking life, why are you so pressing?

End of the day, I am alone with some memories,

My eyes have dried,

my brain has fried.

Have nothing but an advice to make,

Follow it for Heaven's sake.

We are moths, life is firelight,

Attract, and gain similar plight...…

Anyways, I knew I had lost her forever (edit: she was never mine in the first place but damn ego). I am not emotionally hurt. What hurt more was my ego. Main theek ho jaunga soon, ho bhi gaya. This was the beginning of the mini pangs which made my heart stronger by the day.

I told Chocolate about it. She pelo-ed her gyaan in her usual manner. Chill maar yaar, hota hai, wo nahi to koi aur sahi. Thanks. How motivating. Then she went on to scold me. "Tera koi deen imaan nahi hai Maddy boy, wo dekhti thi bas aur tu senti hota raha, chhod de usko and just chill yaar". Only she had the audacity to scold me at my lowest, coz she had told me right in the beginning, ki kuch hona nahi hai, just be careful. But me being Bond, I never listen to anyone. God bless Chocolate, she had never let me have any hopes.