Page 9: Monday, 16th October, 2006

Some things have changed, I qualified certain stages in a professional exam, some rankholders flunked. I also managed to pass another year of the graduation exams. Life was okayish. Some people were getting internships, many were getting into relationships. And yet yours truly was still doing worships. One of my *male* college friends got married. He did not obviously tell her, but me being me, had managed to find out.

My sweetness has become a thing, I have 1k+ followers at Orkut. I also have a fan club. Yes. That's not made by me. Yes, it has 100+ members too.

My love for Pink Floyd has increased. I am teaching myself "Wish You Were Here" chords. With no formal training. IGT and some other websites are a great help. My brain, of course, is the supreme help here!

Yes, I have been asked out by some well to do girls. Yes, I remain committed to Chocolate. Yes, I am still in the limbo.

The man in me has been woken up! Well, after sending her a sweet poem, and asking her response to it, whether it was good enough to be used for a proposal. It was one of my sweetest works yet, and I was damn proud of it. (That poem need not be added here).

And I woke up with a resolve! Bas... bahut ho gaya....aaj college se I will call her....

And am sooooooooooooo tensed...at the auto stop Richa asked: kya hua,...u r not normal today, lukin pretty tensed...kya hua exam hai tera???

Nahi!

Phir kya hua yaar, chehre pe 12 kyu baje hue hain?...Wht happnd tel me??

Kuch nahi!

Met Shru in college...main to shayad aaj bhi nahi bolta...but she wud have kicked me now...so bolna to hai hi, y not do it now.

Kaal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab!!!

This makes me laugh even now...I knew kya hona hai... So I went to the metal staircase at the back side of the commerce block, so that nobody would see / hear and / or disturb me. I was overlooking the lush green park, which was the highlight of my college. I was wearing a grey t-shirt with colorful stripes and narrow denims. I had my Archies UXR perfume on. I had shaved that day.  The setting was so romantic already! The iron was hot!

The Call!

I call...at abt 10.50am...

> Hiii...kaisi hai??

>> Gud, tu suna?

> Yaar bas aaj usko propose karna hai

>> Kar de yaar tensed kyun hai...

(dunno wht I said, my mind was numb, n I was soooo tensed, I was actually shivering)

Then I call her again

> I am tensed!

>> (She, at her usual, chilled self): Tu pagal hai yaar bol de, at the most NO hi to bolegi

> Pukka bol dun...?

>> Yes

> Bol dun(to shru, she affirmed)

> That poem was meant for you!

>> WHATTTTTT

> Yes

(Terrible silence, I dunno why ... felt like collapsing.... it was a wonderful feeling, and yet I felt like I'd puke! It was a heady, terrible mix.....shru held me...said ki kuch aur aage bolo)

>Yes dahling...i lv u...

>> Yeh tu kya bol raha hai Maddy!!!

> Yaar m serious

>> *Giggling* STOP kiddin'

> Am not kiddin m dead serious..tujhe pata hai ki tujhe to kabhi bhi jhooth nahi bolunga..wht happnd

>> Am shocked (but she was giggling n laughing, maybe she knows what I want... lagta hai ki iske koi stupid jasoos hain mere peeche she knows whts to b said n when)

> m sorry I din wanna hurt u........

>> m just breathless...n speachless... how can u say this

> bas yaar aise hi hai...

(Ofcourse I was being taken from the purgatory to heaven and back, so I do not remember anything more, however the call record showed that we talked fr 3:41 min, most of the time she kept giggling... but it was the best way to spend two bucks (at that time, calling from cellphone was not free, and my pocketmoney was very limited), I mean no words, nothing, just to hear her laugh... she said ki if possible call me at nite....

>> hmmm chal tu tension mat le...relax..chill...

> ya msg me at nite

>> ya sure I wud

Then again she msgd me to relax...HOW THE HELL CAN I B RELAXED,,,,,fr the first time in ur life kisi ko propose karna, pata hai kaisa feel hota hai? kitni tension hoti hai? Dunno y the hell I said no to so many girls.... maybe I deserve a big no tooo, karma is a bitch, they say!!!

I guess now I shud go to bed,.....n wait fr ur msg...........as usual..

O GOD...BLESS ME!!!

Amen!

______________________________________________

The Call Back!

Late nite fone call by her...she told me to focus... To focus on career... Focus on the professional opportunities in front of me.... Focus on being that smarty who walks the board rooms. 

I told her, I can do all that, but I also need her to be with me. She got annoyed. Kehti hai maar dungi if I would get involved in all this crap...hadd hai...yaar seedha sadha no bol de tension kyun leti hai... but maar degi? meko? tu? hello? 

I m dead. A good part of me is dead. 

We ended the call on a good note though.

Her promise to be friends. So I was the first person in the history of humankind to be officially friend-zoned.

My promise to focus on career and to have a raapchik career ahead.

My request, to allow me to keep crushing on her.

Her giggles.

My promise, to ask her out again after my aforementioned promises are completed.

More giggles.

Love lost. Friend-zoned. Giggles.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's................dash!

Page 8: The Birthday of 2006

MY birthday...20yrs of life completed...soon...the nite b4...happy n chilled...thinkin abt my future n past n life as a whole..up till 11.45pm...then slept fr a few minutes in a wet shirt, not coz of perspiration, but in anticipation.....woke up at 12.15 or so...thnked God fr whtever i have....4 new msg..Charun's wishes....and Chocolate's wishes condensed in 3 mesg.......though i wanted to, i never expected this idiot to remember.......replied her wid "aap jaise frnds ka sath rahe bas"....thn olly's msg n her wishes..so lovely n so sweet... .thn others..... so many of them... a friend's call at 2am...???2am? ....messagin till 3am with other friends....thn morning mein the gift of a Nokia 7610.....n sooooooooooooo many cals n sms..and Arora's calls...she tried thrice...kuch to pukka hai yaar ismein a bit pushy types...maybe flirt?? y? just coz she is TOO GUD TO B TRUE? maybe sm gud ppl do exist.. I gues I m clingin to Chocolate only fr the simple reason am afraid to b hurt again n iska to pata hi hai kabhi apni setting nahi hogi toh I wil never propose. Makes sense...Still yaar when Arora called in morning, kuch tha... maybe m overconfident of myself....hey Chocolate ki cal... talked fr lik 10mins n dono flirt maar rahe the basically... hai na? Mr God.. pls yaar do smthin...aisa nahi ho sakta kya ki ye apne aap kuch bol de so m free or committed to her?...

HAPPY WEEK I GUESS... SKOOL DAYS R BAK AGAIN!

I met my school friends at M2K, loved the ambience of the place. They commented many times, that I was not the same guy from school, Gola commented many times of the secret behind the glow on my face (???). That's the glow of a guy screwing himself, balancing two tough courses, and a tougher life, together. The glow of someone who asked the divinity above for a royal screw (investment now), for future. The glow of the guy understanding time value of everything! I loved the vibes so much, I would come here again when I am in a stable relationship with someone. Then us friends decided to oblige our school and visit it soon. Wowwwwwwwwwww went to the skool...my teachers are so wonderful abhi tak they remember me...n still have so much affection...sply RSD ma''am... I went to visit my last classroom, XII-I, the cream section. Saw and met Alka ma''am. Also met Mrs. Roman, yes, our Maths teacher.

Quickly, and as expected, I went past XII-F, the section where one of my life's earliest crushes used to hang-out. Felt a chill in my spine, like the memories of the past bombarded back, could feel Chocolate in her casual attitude roaming around that corridor, like the first day I saw her. With spectacles. With the open blazer. With the casual air around her. With the faint aquatic-spicy aroma. With that chilled-out vibe. I could hear a song in the distance.

Chandi jaisa rang hai tera, sone jaise baal. Ek tu hi dhanvaan hai gori, baaki sab kangaal.

I texted her. She was upset I didn’t invite her to the school. Like was this supposed to be a place to date? Dude, you had your college! And you were so far! But anyways, that’s she for you! Again, being upset for me, yet hinting for taking her to school. Damn, I hate being in a limbo!

Page 7 - 18 May, 2006

 Disclaimer: Dates have been quoted from actual hard copies of Maddy's diary.

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me, and I walk alone.

Its 11.03 AM, and 18-May-2006 and Maddy restarted his diary, as a place to vent out. The last few years had been difficult and taken their toll.

Class 11 was not at all good, the testosterones of sweet sixteen had hit him hard, and there was bitterness in his life. He started hating mathematics, erstwhile his favorite subject. He scored poorly, and could not make it to the merit lists.

As the wisdom teeth started pushing, he was wiser in Class 12. He scored brilliantly, and managed to get into the much famed north campus. The brilliant scores, however, can only be attributed to some fellow students in the classes, particularly a girl with short height, fair complexion, a few streaks of blond hair and thick, brown rimmed spectacles. A blessing in disguise.

चाँदी जैसा रंग है तेरा सोने जैसे बाल
एक तूही धनवान है गोरी बाकी सब कंगाल

Once Maddy was extremely anxious about getting into some college, this lady coolly scoffed, "ho jaayega yaar, nahi to Stephens se English hons kar lenge aur sath mein koi raapchik sa course". His worries melted away. Yet his close friend and aide whispered in his ear "Check her UCBs, fake hain", but Maddy never cared for anything more than Calculus or matrices etc. They continued in touch through phone (landlines) and emails in those days. (Circa 2003-2004).

The hard work and blessings in disguise paid off. He got admitted to his choice of course in the college location of his choice. However, pursuing multiple studies and his own insomnia, the rush of hormones and multiple events of his life, sands of time took a toll. The earlier a soft and geeky nerd listening to Kishore Kumar has now changed.

He has become a well learned polyglot, who could bleed acidic expletives in at least 7 languages apart from mother tongue, could understand and sing songs in another 3 languages, even translate some of them to Sanskrit just for the fun of it.

 

Page 6: 1 December 2005

Alone wid my buks, and my cell n PC...Chocolate is a gr8 support... I like her a lot I mean of course she was my first crush... but there is a downside too, like the way she was angry when I told her abt that crush thing, thank God I didn't mention that it was only me who had a crush..still its ok.....and the kanjus behaviour, never calling or messaging herself.. I just wish these free sms always r here, otherwise she is too miserly to ever sms me, or maybe its me only...but with the passage of time, I have learnt some intricacies of the world, I have learnt not to msg her more than twice b4 her reply comes..tht screams desparation...

I lik a few things abt her---- the way she cares for me, only a bit though, (but still, I can feel the caring vibes)...the way she told me to check on a particular friend's mail box, and then to un-read his mails etc, that means she trusts me...the way both of us made fun of someone's pic...the way she said "badi lambi umr hai teri, I was just typing the msg"...or "dont worry boss tu to intelligent bacha hai" and "yaar jab tujhe mere secrets nahi pata to Chaman ko kaise pata honge" and other such messages tht r saved in the hidden folder in my cellphone, which severally mean nothing...n the way she also liked Olly's personality, instead of being jealous like others...I love u Chocolate, n maybe I will tell u soon.. Maybe I don't deserve u rite now, bt I WILL live up to the expectations, just gimme some time to prove myself....


Ya finally got the time to write this...lemme b straight. We were u kno sort of just frnds, and shared the same classes. She was way ahead of my league, with all that style and everything. I kept tryin to impress her, studying really well in the subject tht I once hated..(secured 99 in boards, another blessing in disguise!)...then during the holidays sort of developed a crush on her, but pata chala she hates crush-vrush...anyways moved on...she was in my mind during a good part of first year but then I moved on...fell fr sm1 in college and then fell out, literally a lot of falls...wrote poems, but now being honest, I fell again to forget Chocolate, perhaps...but pata chala this new crush was engaged :((

Then sm other gal proposed me, I told Chocolate about her n she told me to b cautious( donno y she said tht).

Why don't u simply understand yaar...its just u. Seems u won't ever know it..I can't ever say directly, n even if I would, u won't ever go around... u r the reason for my excitement n tension, sadness n joys.... my exasperation and my celebration...my all.........but pls just tell me once n fr all, so i go into oblivion- just gimme a hint, tell me just once clearly so i simply won't hav any expectations frm u, or frm my life in general, or frm Delhi, or frm India, or frm the world...so i wud let the life move on...to let the music play, but just hate being in a limbo, it sucks, and it sucks real back..... You are here fr me - fine, else, YOU don't deserve me (or maybe the other way round, but who cares)..And waise bhi am so scared by u yaar , sply after tht nite u messaged me jhaad laga ke.. Waise ek baat i wanna kno...y is it tht ALL ur mails r forwarded only to me, or at the most to sm other 2-3 gals but not to any other guys??? Gotchaaaa!!!!!

Page 5: 21 October 2005

Alone with my books and memories. Handling two of the toughest courses are a drain. Though they keep me busy. And that is another blessing in disguise. 

Another blessing was the motivating lady from mathematics classes of 2003-04, who has managed to stay in touch. For the sake of confidentiality of the noble soul, I will neither bring up her name, nor the "sweet" name I called her by. Let us adress her as "Chocolate" henceforth. 

I had asked Ankur, a dear friend from college, to find out if the girl, for whom I fell head over heels, was still single. He was skeptical, as he knew I was not going to do anything, yet he promised to help. I clearly remember the date. The time was around noon, at our famous college canteen (yes, I hanged around the canteen a lot, and it was not for exchanging notes). 

Ankur had killed me right there, when he told me about a guy, let's call him Dharam, dating Maggie. I was so upset. Someone from my class saw me at the stairs and asked if I was alright, said she found the usual spark missing from my eyes. It registered me many hours later that I had ignored it completely. I was mentally absent for the next few hours. I couldn't sleep (in the lectures), couldn't eat (the canteen food) and I literally jumped (ok, dramatics aside, I fell) from a DTC bus. I was now hurt, literally and figuratively. Me being me, I drowned in my miseries and used by Nokia to type another poem:

WAS IN LOVE FOR SURE

She used to come late and open the door,

And i wud gaze, with all fours(----------------------------i wear spects)

I fell in love with such ecstasy,

That i had forgotten everything in my stupidity.

I forgot my dreams, my ambitions and emotions,

And I was a lover of high devotion.

It was one moment that changed it all,

Changed my life, I had a great fall.

I realized it sometime, somewhere,

I was not on her list, absolutely nowhere.

I Withered in Pain, hell lots of pain,

A man in tears, Oh! what a shame.

The loss was too much for me,

I tried a lot to break free.

Life was playing a dirty game,

And I cried along, always the same.

Tried to forget everything, changed environ, relaxed, changed me;

But everything just frustrated me.

had aroma, meditation and yes poison,

But nothing worked, things failed in dozen.

My routine is now crying, depressing.

Sucking life, why are you so pressing?

End of the day, I am alone with some memories,

My eyes have dried,

my brain has fried.

Have nothing but an advice to make,

Follow it for Heaven's sake.

We are moths, life is firelight,

Attract, and gain similar plight...…

Anyways, I knew I had lost her forever (edit: she was never mine in the first place but damn ego). I am not emotionally hurt. What hurt more was my ego. Main theek ho jaunga soon, ho bhi gaya. This was the beginning of the mini pangs which made my heart stronger by the day.

I told Chocolate about it. She pelo-ed her gyaan in her usual manner. Chill maar yaar, hota hai, wo nahi to koi aur sahi. Thanks. How motivating. Then she went on to scold me. "Tera koi deen imaan nahi hai Maddy boy, wo dekhti thi bas aur tu senti hota raha, chhod de usko and just chill yaar". Only she had the audacity to scold me at my lowest, coz she had told me right in the beginning, ki kuch hona nahi hai, just be careful. But me being Bond, I never listen to anyone. God bless Chocolate, she had never let me have any hopes.

Page 4: February 14, 2005

It was Maddy's first over-hyped Valentine's day in the over-hyped North Campus of the over-hyped University of Delhi. He was, of course, over-hyped about it. Despite being terribly aware of his limitations, he had high hopes about the blessings from St. Valentine. And high hopes about the day. About the hyped day of love. So he paired his favorite Chicago Bulls bright Red shirt with his favorite denims on that spring morning of the superficial day of love. He had a feeling that Red, being a color of love, may prove lucky. The luck was on his side though. He got a U-Special (a specific DTC bus that carries the University students to the campus). He even managed to get a seat in that bus. 

Maddy being Maddy, he wrote up a poem for Maggie:

IN LOVE FOR SURE

You stole my heart, you made me lose my mind,

"You are love struck," say friends of mine.

My charming princess, will you be mine.

My li'l heart that I kept reserved,

Intense romantic emotions, that I preserved.

My body, my soul, my cherished possessions.

Are all yours, just make me yours.

You came in my life and shook me up,

You come in my dreams and wake me up.

My dreams and ambitions are at your will,

And I am ready to pay all your bills.

My life has a void, only you can fill.

And nothing goes without your will.

My destiny, my life is at your disposal,

Please consent to my little proposal.

Lets get together and share,

My promise, I won't let you despair.

You take my joys and I'll take your sorrows,

Yesterday, today and the tomorrows.

Lets get together under the sun,

My lady, it would be much fun.

Love is heaven, love is bliss,

I am lucky, 'coz I know this.

With high hopes, I will put an end,

To this work of art, of your commerce friend.

He reached college. There was chill in the air. The campus smelled of lovely Delhi chill combined with Eucalyptus trees, and a faint fog loomed over the air. He was confident of talking to her. He had been a state level champion in inter-school debates till a few months back. His plan was to hand-over that hand-written poem to her. There must always be a plan, coz failing to plan is planning to fail. 

Maggie, as always, turned up late. There's this thing about energies and vibes. Our very charged Maddy seems to have sent some really intense vibes. The first person she stared at after entering the class was him. 

She stared back. Again. Amongst a class of 50+ students from all over the world, he was getting that attention. The attention he wasn't used to.  The attention he desired. And yet the attention he never got. Until this day. This day of love.

He lost it. 

The last iota of his resolve, the last drop of strength. This was all sucked out from him. He was always restless. Now he was still. He just couldn't ask her. He wouldn't. He didn't. 

Maggie stared for one last time. And then went to the back benches, giving him the look of longingness. 

_________________________________

Many years have elapsed. But that beautiful day is still etched in his memories. He relives that moment many years down the line. Right down to the fragrances. 

Maddy is still not clear why the hell he was so shy. What was it that stopped him? Was it just shyness? Couldn't be. He had asked for her number 6 months back. Couldn't be the fear of failure - he had enrolled for two of the toughest courses with a clear intention of clearing them both. What could it be? 

How would things be today, had he asked her out on that day? The cosmos had hinted. Amidst the foggy environs, there was a superb sunshine. He did see some chicks staring at him in that canteen. Even Maggie had stared at him. Perhaps he was too immature, he could give out the vibes, he could receive the vibes, he could understand the vibes, but not act upon them. 

And he hated that part of himself. He knows things. He knows what is to be done. And yet he doesn't. He lives in limbo. He can change that. But he doesn't.