Page 18: Thursday, February 05, 2009

I have flunked in life. Big time, this time.

All is lost, the game is over. 

My silent tears pay the price, and the heart still runs for cover.

If the failures of the heart were not enough, I have now been blessed with failures of the mind. It is really tough to face so many things in life all at once- the first real actual failure of your life, and then the knowledge that I keep helping everyone yet whenever am down, bloody no one is standing by my side - barring one or two dearest people - I really donno - should I be upset about these useless losers, or should I be happy that my dearest people were always there when I wanted them???

Some confessions:

I, me, myself, has the following to solemnly affirm and declare:

1. That for my exams, I prepared to the best possible manner I could, using all the time management skills I had knowledge of, and being very sincere in preparation

2. That despite all unwanted and unwarranted problems, tensions, and happenings around me, at the time of preparation and specially during exams, I tried to manage things to the best of my ability

3. That I was true and fair in exams, and, by the grace of God, maintained my calm and peacefully passed the exam time- it was examination of life for me, and He, the Lord above knows this to be true

4. That I have full faith and reasons to believe in the Almighty and have reasons to believe the existence of the Lord above, and that I have confidence in myself, and above all, the path shown by my God.

5. That the confessions I have written are my emotions and expressed here to affirm myself.

Page 17: Wednesday, 30th April 2008

The previous post about the dream, kept coming back to me many days. I don't know the reason, I don't know the person, but it keeps coming back to haunt me. Imagine the after-effects if it was not just a dream but something real. 

My classes have started to get over, in line with the timelines, so that we can prepare for exams through self studies. There was an inverse proportion to the staring with Miss Lemon, who, in my mind, started staring a lot more as classes were drawing to a close. There was also Miss Article and her friends around her, specially one we called "Miss Wrestler", who was so fit and health, I could never dare approach Miss Article.

Its abt time that I mention something sweet related to those classes, and a person I (almost) met there, whom we will call Miss Article. The setting was my school reunion, and I parked my car (it was a long luxury sedan ) and came out, wearing a translucent bright white shirt with trousers. I had short hair, slim and smart looking me (very Bond-like, if I may be allowed to add). At the gate only I saw salsa like dance, and saw Miss Article with her impeccable styling sense (stylish, smart, simple, sensible and sober) coming up to me, with a hand calling me to dance. And we did jive. I, and she too, were flat, madly in love types. But she tripped somehow, and I caught her in my arms.
Her Miss-Straight-hair-and-super-slim came to her rescue but she was already lost in my eyes. Before I knew, a huge crowd had gathered and she just said "I love you" and kissed my cheek.. And I, without thinking twice, without even thinking about she-who-shall-not-be-named, just said "Me too". I was rock solid, she with her staring eyes and awesome smile in my arms, and a huge crowd of school alumni around us....And then... and then I woke up!

Now to be very honest I did like Miss Article- her looks were sweet and yet intense, a perfect my-type- the way she tied her hair, no makeup with just kajal, her dressing style (both traditional and western) - right down to her footwear (ok, there was a lot of distance but I have 4 eyes) - it was all just fundu! On one or two occasions, I did feel she wanted me to talk to her, to be a man and take the first initiative, but she didn't know I was I.

So I liked Miss Article. And the funny thing was that continuous staring and my interpretation, or lack thereof. Once I thought she told me, through this EYE Talk method, to take the initiative and talk. At other times I thought she was contemplating if she should take the initiative, considering me to be this stupidly shy. At times I even felt she was irritated, with this guy who is so responsive, who always replied to her stares - with one from his side :-).

I did not understand yet, and might never ever be able to do so in the future, why was it that she did stare, I mean why? Interested? Irritated? Annoyed? What? If irritated, why not bloody sit somewhere else. If not, why waiting for somebody else to take the first move? You ought to be sure of a guy's credentials when he does not come down to hit on you, after all that staring. And if he doesn't, you should.

Again, once while in class I thought that her stare said "talk today, I won't come again." My worst fears came true when I didn't see more of her, or her stares, again. I wished she'd study well, if she had exams soon. Inside me, I felt bad. I really liked someone after sooooo much time.. I really felt I'd talk to her, if I'd ever meet her again. I promised myself, citing the fact that life is so short. You never know what might happen.. One might not live another moment, so why not live life to the fullest, so that one dies peacefully? And just before the last class, I had an intuition that she'd come. I was ready - if she'd come, I'd talk. She did come. We did stare. Her stares were kinda final, the ones that said "six months on, you're still staring. Talk today,pls. We might never meet again."

And I just hate this shy part of me. I'd definitely talk to her, if we meet again. Just once...

Page 16: Monday, 4th February 2008

I was not aware how this happened, but as things stood, it was one of the best experiences of my life. There was this girl I had been ignoring - not ignoring as such but not giving full attention to. The fault wasn't entirely mine, she wasn't directly speaking to me, we just had a few encounters in class when she came to speak to my batchmates. One day she had come to me to discuss something, however me being me, engrossed in something, absent-mindedly told her that I am busy. She took offence and went away.

She took me as a cold person with a colder heart, but one day she happened to gaze into my eyes and saw my pains. The equation changed. She found out I wasn't anti-social like everyone thought. I was only pro-solitude. 

Things were going fine - we ended up texting each other on New Year's. The texting continued. We ended up syncing too much, like I used to type something and she would text the same. She would be humming a song and I would text her its lyrics, sitting 50 kms away. We found out we had too much in common, two broken souls seeking refuge. Not comfortable to share but opening up, intimidating each other. Opening up each other's bandages to see the wounds inflicted by Time, and then touching them to heal each other. The healing was quicker than I had through the doctor's prescriptions. And it was longer lasting. 

Our beliefs were different, yet we agreed that belief in each other weighed more than belief in each other's beliefs. I started enjoying long drives in winters of Delhi. I donno after how long I'd felt happy. Just that. Happy. Peaceful. Sukoon. This soul level syncing is deep stuff. I mean she could be up and think abt me at 2 AM, and call me in her mind, and I would wake up with a start and text her if she is awake. And she would ask me to calm down first! At times I wouldn't text her and wait for her, and she would call or text herself. I had to play the testing games no more. 

It was an amazing period. I had never been happier. There was a strange addiction. I wanted her more than water.  And it was, for the first time, unprecedented, and mutual affection. It was an amazing bond. We used to have snacks together and most of the times the foodie in me found the food substandard. Yet we were satiated, in each other's company, as being together mattered the most. Our deepest conversations revolved around helping each other grow as a person, personally and professionally, and there was a lot of depth in this love. 

And then she had to go back. To her native place. To her friends. To her parents. To her favorite city. I guess she had come in my life to heal me. She promised she would tell her favorite city about her favorite person now. She promised to remain in touch. But priorities change. They always do. Life comes back to a full circle. It started with me not giving her attention. And it ended with me not getting her attention. As usual, I had made her my first priority. As, usual, I was only an option. The problem wasn't her going. She had got me addicted to love. Addicted to happiness. Addicted to faith. Addicted to her. I was fine with lack of love. Lack of happiness. Lack of healing. But now I was addicted. And weaning myself off these things wouldn't happen. It didn't happen. It couldn't. 

The doctor then recommended injections for my pain. At the first one, I withered in pain. Unbearable one at that. And then I woke up. With sweat. With an aftertaste of a sweet dream. That ended in a nightmare. For days I'll remember this dream. Maybe for life. Would life ever be so kind to me?

Page 15: Monday, 28th January 2008

The year began with a conversation wherein I found she had been sulking for a while. I had to, as usual, take efforts to find the cause of misery and then clear the clouds. At times I feel that the person who asks and explains is always in a lower position than the other party. He is the one taking the initiative. Focus. He. “He” is the one taking the initiative. Perhaps that’s because men have more clarity on such things, or perhaps men have to provide the comfort of making things work. This happens particularly in mammals, since the female of the species has to bear the brunt of carrying an offspring, she gets to choose. At times I wish I was a seahorse, where males carry the offspring and the females are always hittin' on them!

A detailed phone call later, I understood the reason for her piss off was a pissed-off-warm – love-hate conversation on SMS with Chocolate on New Year’s eve:

She: am goin to a party

Me: May I accompany?

She: You could, if u were my hubby, since its a family affair

Me: I'l think abt it later

She: how lucky I am

Me: Do u want me to calculate?

She: ofcourse, if u wanna show ur nerdiness again. lol

Me: But what makes u feel the most eligible-committed-bachelor would be ready to be ur hubby at this point in life, when some of the life’s exam are yet unattempted?

She: that’s goin by the no. of eligible guys after me

Me: *snaps* If that be the case may I pls let u kno that am not used to being in queues. so i tender my resignation with immediate effect.

She: :( Chal i gtg now for a shower. cya

ME: Should I accompany you there, if that's not a family affair? *Winks*

She: thanks, but me and my loneliness would do.

 

Once we made up, *she* was at my place on 26th Jan, 2008, for inviting me to her sis's marriage. Now that was really nice of her, to come to my place- it's more of being able to meet her than her invitation. And that too, at my home. Anyways, if am not wrong, on a very conservative estimate, I guess we stared into eyes at least 4 times. And that happened in front of her childhood friend and my childhood family. Oops. Family. And her 'look' was kinda warm. Funny. Looks like things are improving. [not to forget my confusion at this stage- what to wear in the wedding, what to gift and all].

At that night only, I dreamt that *she* was lying on the bed with me (no naughty feelings) and I was staring into her eyes. I wanted to tell her "Oh I love ya so much" but managed to just blurt "Oye yaar, I wanna get drunk with u".

Analysis: Am very far from getting drunk, so maybe the idea here in my subconscious is to get away from taboos, and maybe am just too scared and in the belief that once some spirits go inside, they would charge me and push the spirits out, without any trouble and additional efforts on my part. The thing is I really wanted to convey the idea but am being very inexpressive. I do not know how things would stand in future, but an introvert would always have this problem, of being inexpressive.

At this point in time, I was highly engrossed in classes, preparing for the upcoming stage of the professional exams. Some of the subjects were particularly interesting, and I was keen to understand the nitty gritty therein, in as much depth as possible. I got so occupied in classes in the typical Maddy mode (asking intelligent questions, shoving off slapstick humor irrespective etc.), I could not fathom the changes in environment around me. People had started complimenting me for some “hardcore professional” looks, which I couldn’t understand about then. In one of the classes, one of the batch hotties had come to sit next to me right in the early morning – but me being me, I told her frankly that the seat was reserved. In another subject, the classes of which are being held at an auditorium, that gal-who-stared-from-far (whom we have nicknamed Miss Lemon courtesy her beautiful lemon top) – am soooo done with her continuous staring I might go off to her front row some day and ask her to either talk or stop staring altogether.

Life is going to come in a full circle I am sure, and deep studies and deep meditations really help me. I continue to be in a limbo, which keeps swinging from positive to negative frequently. I don't like to be in this limbo, but I guess I have no option. I can only do my karma and leave the fruits of my actions to Him!

Page 14: Saturday, 15th December 2007 - Δ = k

Yeah, CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT, and this diary entry is dedicated to my myriad mood swings in the past few days, and the resulting poems I came up with. Bear with me, for I will not make such omnibus posts henceforth:
 
 
Poem 1
Trudging the road to Moon's dark side,
Tired, hurt, hungry: umpteen times, but I never cried.
It's the thirst for perfection; and I vie,
And I have not lived, and I dare not Die!

And then I came up with a funny way to remember one Income Tax section:
 
 
If wishes were horses, I'd own a stud farm,
And still get away, mischieving Section 74A!!!

And I feel it was supposed to be funny, init? hmmmm....
 
Ok, coming to the point, yes, I AM ANGRY at someone... I mean how can someone b so arrogant yaa, so very arrogant? busy?  
To be precise, (not a poem, lyrics from one of my favourite songs these days):

I've become to numb,
I can't feel you there... 
Become so tired, 
So much more aware,
I'm becoming this, 
all I want to do,
is b more like me, 
and b less like u.
 
And so I came up with:
 
It's in the best of times,
When it can't be better,
You're actually in line
When the days can't be more bitter.
They thought that I was bold,
but teary, wet in winter, I caught this cold. 
They took me as calm,
Now wait, for here rings the alarm. 
So warm, I was taught to be
Until things nearly killed that me.
 
Just one wish, a dream I had.
That, and I was so glad.
Trudging the thorny irritating path –
Alone, all alone, like an icy cold bath.
Just one faith, living pure among sins,
A life of simple joys, small things.
And now that’s become utterly disgusting. 
And pinches like on needles I'm resting.
 
Clasped hand in hand, us and peace everywhere.
A feeling of bondedness, a life we share. 
Do you have this urge too, like I have,
to hold someone and cry, but only a pillow is all you have.?
Doesn't one deserve his share of li'l joys?. 
Why are emotions supposed to be toys? 
Broken, burnt, smashed and killed- 
is it something common, or is it, is it just me?
And here’s the irony, yes, I've a fickle minded head.
I don't wanna be alive, but can't afford to be dead.
 

Page 13: Monday, 29th October 2007

I met Chocolate on Wednesday, the 5th September, which also happened to be Teacher's day! ;) 

It was a very sporadic meeting, I was in my classes at one end of Connaught Place, she was returning from her office. She just texted me randomly that she had taken the Metro. 

I was I. 

I took the hint. Bunked the rest of the lecture, ran all the way from this side of Connaught Place to the Rajiv Chowk Metro station. I got security etc. done, got in the queue, changed the metro line, to be ready for her and bump into her *by chance*. I did actually bump into her. 

She got really happy, her face lightened up, and perhaps so did mine. Her face glowed as if the entire weariness of the day left her in a moment, like she had a drop of the divine nectar from the fountain of youth, like a thousand suns glowed together! All this while the 8:00 P.M rush at Rajiv Chowk was surrounding us. We got down at the same station, and if her dad was not there, I was sure I would have asked to drop her on my two-wheeler. Figuratively, I did drop her home, as I was following their car till her home, as the route was nearly the same. It was overall a very romantic encounter, but for my slip of tongue and her over-thinking. I said something about not getting attached to old things, and she assumed I was talking about old connections / the sweet, cherished ones included, especially after whatever transpired amongst us after that poem.  

My routine included a lot of coaching classes, with the day beginning as early as 4:30 AM to reach classes at 6:00 AM. I could not find time for myself, forget about my hobbies and passions.

It was one of those days when I was in the midst of one of those classes at around 9:00 AM, when there was a Call-Message-Call-Call from her. (Those days we were on EDGE / 2G network only, which was pretty spotty at most parts of Delhi). This was sooo not her. Man!! What's the urgency? What's so urgent? I walked out from the class to hear her almost about to cry. 

"Where the hell ru .. y r u so not in touch man.. jo banda roz msg kare n suddenly not in touch......." blah blah...

Today, am happy- I lived well enough that she is missing my presence... I mean there is someone actually to cry if I m dead rite away.. but as I said:

I have not lived and I dare not die.

Whatever, her sis gettin married... n she too :( :( :( how, how I wish I cud let her kno to wait fr me... I kno I m short of time but jus one yr is all I want [ok, by Jan, 2009 in all likelihood] anyhow, somehow.. just gimme sm time yaa, and let me kno tht I have been granted such time ...

Page 12: Monday, 13th August, 2007

A Cut to the Present

 

Its 11:32 AM, of the aforementioned date. Am so busy now with life, with office and tuitions and everything.

 

 

Yeah finally... got lots and lots of time to reflect. Things happened with me, I got carried away with the attention / affection (by whatever name called) I got from someone. In my stupid bloody crappy idea of selfless living I gave more priority to someone else's heart n NOT mine.. that was a mistake. I mean thik hai but not done ya, saala meri bhi to life hai!

Koi nahi, no regrets. I learnt there r all types of ppl..... I learnt there r all types of families, with deep pockets and shallow minds. However, I learnt I CAN DO what I want. I realized tht Chocs was, is and will always b there as a very gud frnd.. She is the one to called an angel coz of her deeds, n not those who keep "angels" as their display names...

And I learnt something else too ........ ur family is alwys there to help u out, and to giv u the greatest possible benefit..... n haan i learnt there IS SOMETHING CALLED MIRACLE TOO... THERE ACTUALLY EXISTS A PERSON CALLED GOD AND THAT THE INDIAN METHOD OF RASHIS AND EVERYTHIN IS TOOO GUD ! PERFECT!!!!!! I must study this in detail!

 

 

Met her last week, [actually met her on 4th April as well as on 6th August too] and I noticed lots of changes ... I may b day dreaming but i gues........... :) After these visits, why did our common friend call me on messenger specifically just to tell me to wear lenses instead of glasses? HOW does she kno???? :O

 

Caught ya! Again!!

 

While on a chat with our common friend:

 

Me: bas I don want her to get married wth someone who doesnt deserve her, kisi se bhi ho bt banda thik se rakhe... n treat her lik a queen, thts all I want ya

Friend: 😊

M: hamara kya hai..... apne liye earn karenge n wil spend on myself

F: u dun wanna get married wit someone else den?

M: pata ni, I donno actually, kehte hain hum pyaar ek hi baar karte hain, shayad yahi tha mera pehla nasha! Jo ye na ho, to phir koi, na josh hai na umang hai!

F: dun say al dis

M: I shudn't but u kno its the damn truth

F: arre ya life jus moves on

M: hmmm......

F: things wil work

M: hopefully, bt i wud b in touch with her til m sure tht the guy is gud enuf, uske baad i wud just get away from her life... kyun bechari ko trouble karu!

Am I really this senti? or is this Chocolate's "I mite get married pretty soon" wali DHAMKI(?) ???? jealousy? being a goody gud boy? wht was that?

 

I dunno!

 

And m NOT crying!!!

 

 

Page 11: 1st December 2006

Whats Love?

I am not a great writer but i'l try..u r nt forced to read this, just ur wish....
whts love?
according to http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/love

love means:

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.


But accordin to me, love is just a strong word, a damn too strong word...L+O+V+E....so simple letters, but they make up such a strong word...n only those who kno wht this is wil ever understand the language of love...

A simple, yet extremely difficult language...
wht does love mean? ask me..or dont..stil m here to tell...

Love, a sweet feeling, a strong emotion...a feeling of binding, a sense of security...of being wanted...but of sacrifices, and pains, and misery....
u love sm1 whn u r in class 11th...thn follow her everywhere...take tuitions wid her....stick to her...email her n call her n sms her even tho u kno u cant hav thm...n yet helping thm..a daily gudnite n a gud mornin sms to show u r there....n u care...n u flirt wid thm in a healthy way..suddenly u start missing thm...n they tel u they r in love wid smone too...n tht someone is not you...NOT YOU....n they need ur help in getting their love....and u help them...n lets say they get whom they love...n u r happy coz they r happy...n u smile superficially...while u have died a thousand deaths...stil pray that THEY are together, that they are happy...even though its widout you....and u are proposed thn, not once...not twice, many times, many occassions...many takers.....but u are not interested......u still hopelessly think that u mite get wht u want smday...even though these people wud love u a lot, n u kno that...even though u kno that someday mite never come.......
thats love.......the sacrifice called love.....
LOVE ALL.......God Bless

Page 10: 1st November 2006

The Big Fight
I was out on a project, like literally stuck. Chocolate ji is upset with me since many days, IDK why. To the best of my knowledge and belief, I was not the reason for this annoyance. And then she emails me (instead of the usual texts), “ajeeb si nature ho gayi hai yar kya karun....”
I was homesick. I didn’t like the endless
rains at that project plant. I did not like the scrumptious food reserved for
me. I did not like the bakar of those Heads of Departments of that otherwise
amazing PSU. I was shit bored of the loneliness at nights, when I was alone,
with my phone, and my memories. I feel homesick. In those moments of solitude,
despite having a very active social (media) profile, I got that sanyasi
feeling again, to go to the mountains and practice abstinence. I felt we came
alone, we will live alone, we will die alone, what’s the big deal? Unfortunately, on one such days, she called me. It was raining heavily outside, yet the air was heavily filled with pollution. Not only air, even my heart was full of pollution. She asked me her usual Kaisa hai, kahan hai, phone kyu nahi karta? And I abruptly, absent-mindedly, spoke the unspeakable! I casually said “in dino sab kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai, pata nahi haalat aise hain ya meri nature, sab ajeeb sa ho gayi hai.” Bas! This was the graphite to a nuclear reactor which was on the brink of an explosion. Aisa kya bol diya yaar tere words hi to copy kiye hain, n not fr the intention to pull ur leg but u r takin it tht way. Why wud I ever wanna pull ur leg...UR LEG---f*** ! Sachi mein..n nt me :-) ok sorry yaar tu pls confuse mat kar mujhe! Bas yaar ab main bilkul thak gaya hun...ab nahi
And then the big change.... Made up wid her now n told her ki i luv some1 bt
sm1 loves me n kab tak its ok to let her cry n b frustrated... It was like a mess,
and yesterday while casually chatting Arora’s friend texted me that she is
crying,  bullshit man how can I ever make
anyone cry. But what else is to be expected out of this situation, I am damn damn
confused.
Now since Chocs is on job, I donno why
am writin bt thn i lv to write. Arora told me all tht stuf abt lv n all, like how you feel when you find real love, what it feels lik n stuff...
told me all tht stuf abt lv n all, like how you feel when you find real love,
what it feels lik n stuff... So here goes my confession:

Its tru i wanna love n b loved
its true tht now i hv many to give me the
latter feeling
its tru tht gals r ready to have a fite fr me
Bt its also tru tht i hate thm all
its also tru tht i dont even wanna luk at
anyone
its also tru tht i love just one
even after so many years
evn after so much
just one n only one........
thts....my princess
dunno who :))))) maybe its uuuuuuuu :D
 

Page 9: Monday, 16th October, 2006

Some things have changed, I qualified certain stages in a professional exam, some rankholders flunked. I also managed to pass another year of the graduation exams. Life was okayish. Some people were getting internships, many were getting into relationships. And yet yours truly was still doing worships. One of my *male* college friends got married. He did not obviously tell her, but me being me, had managed to find out.

My sweetness has become a thing, I have 1k+ followers at Orkut. I also have a fan club. Yes. That's not made by me. Yes, it has 100+ members too.

My love for Pink Floyd has increased. I am teaching myself "Wish You Were Here" chords. With no formal training. IGT and some other websites are a great help. My brain, of course, is the supreme help here!

Yes, I have been asked out by some well to do girls. Yes, I remain committed to Chocolate. Yes, I am still in the limbo.

The man in me has been woken up! Well, after sending her a sweet poem, and asking her response to it, whether it was good enough to be used for a proposal. It was one of my sweetest works yet, and I was damn proud of it. (That poem need not be added here).

And I woke up with a resolve! Bas... bahut ho gaya....aaj college se I will call her....

And am sooooooooooooo tensed...at the auto stop Richa asked: kya hua,...u r not normal today, lukin pretty tensed...kya hua exam hai tera???

Nahi!

Phir kya hua yaar, chehre pe 12 kyu baje hue hain?...Wht happnd tel me??

Kuch nahi!

Met Shru in college...main to shayad aaj bhi nahi bolta...but she wud have kicked me now...so bolna to hai hi, y not do it now.

Kaal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab!!!

This makes me laugh even now...I knew kya hona hai... So I went to the metal staircase at the back side of the commerce block, so that nobody would see / hear and / or disturb me. I was overlooking the lush green park, which was the highlight of my college. I was wearing a grey t-shirt with colorful stripes and narrow denims. I had my Archies UXR perfume on. I had shaved that day.  The setting was so romantic already! The iron was hot!

The Call!

I call...at abt 10.50am...

> Hiii...kaisi hai??

>> Gud, tu suna?

> Yaar bas aaj usko propose karna hai

>> Kar de yaar tensed kyun hai...

(dunno wht I said, my mind was numb, n I was soooo tensed, I was actually shivering)

Then I call her again

> I am tensed!

>> (She, at her usual, chilled self): Tu pagal hai yaar bol de, at the most NO hi to bolegi

> Pukka bol dun...?

>> Yes

> Bol dun(to shru, she affirmed)

> That poem was meant for you!

>> WHATTTTTT

> Yes

(Terrible silence, I dunno why ... felt like collapsing.... it was a wonderful feeling, and yet I felt like I'd puke! It was a heady, terrible mix.....shru held me...said ki kuch aur aage bolo)

>Yes dahling...i lv u...

>> Yeh tu kya bol raha hai Maddy!!!

> Yaar m serious

>> *Giggling* STOP kiddin'

> Am not kiddin m dead serious..tujhe pata hai ki tujhe to kabhi bhi jhooth nahi bolunga..wht happnd

>> Am shocked (but she was giggling n laughing, maybe she knows what I want... lagta hai ki iske koi stupid jasoos hain mere peeche she knows whts to b said n when)

> m sorry I din wanna hurt u........

>> m just breathless...n speachless... how can u say this

> bas yaar aise hi hai...

(Ofcourse I was being taken from the purgatory to heaven and back, so I do not remember anything more, however the call record showed that we talked fr 3:41 min, most of the time she kept giggling... but it was the best way to spend two bucks (at that time, calling from cellphone was not free, and my pocketmoney was very limited), I mean no words, nothing, just to hear her laugh... she said ki if possible call me at nite....

>> hmmm chal tu tension mat le...relax..chill...

> ya msg me at nite

>> ya sure I wud

Then again she msgd me to relax...HOW THE HELL CAN I B RELAXED,,,,,fr the first time in ur life kisi ko propose karna, pata hai kaisa feel hota hai? kitni tension hoti hai? Dunno y the hell I said no to so many girls.... maybe I deserve a big no tooo, karma is a bitch, they say!!!

I guess now I shud go to bed,.....n wait fr ur msg...........as usual..

O GOD...BLESS ME!!!

Amen!

______________________________________________

The Call Back!

Late nite fone call by her...she told me to focus... To focus on career... Focus on the professional opportunities in front of me.... Focus on being that smarty who walks the board rooms. 

I told her, I can do all that, but I also need her to be with me. She got annoyed. Kehti hai maar dungi if I would get involved in all this crap...hadd hai...yaar seedha sadha no bol de tension kyun leti hai... but maar degi? meko? tu? hello? 

I m dead. A good part of me is dead. 

We ended the call on a good note though.

Her promise to be friends. So I was the first person in the history of humankind to be officially friend-zoned.

My promise to focus on career and to have a raapchik career ahead.

My request, to allow me to keep crushing on her.

Her giggles.

My promise, to ask her out again after my aforementioned promises are completed.

More giggles.

Love lost. Friend-zoned. Giggles.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's................dash!